


underwater

by chrkrose



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Implied Jaime Lannister/Melara Hetherspoon, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:08:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26187742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chrkrose/pseuds/chrkrose
Summary: Tittle is like I imagine Brienne has been going through life most of the fic. As if she’s not truly connected with the world around her, listening and seeing everything as if she has been underwater.This was just a random thing that popped in my head. I almost didn’t post it, but in between wring The Contract and other things I ended up finishing this one and... well.Take this as j/b’s arc but adapted to a modern setting kind of. Many things are vague on purpose. What I haven’t explained fully, feel free to fill in the blanks skshsk.Oh, and Jaime and Cersei in this one aren’t twins. They are still related, cousins or double cousins, but not brother/sister. Their relationship was still fucked up regardless and a secret to most people.PS: Links at the end for visions of anyone wants to see :)
Relationships: Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth
Comments: 30
Kudos: 152





	underwater

**Author's Note:**

> Tittle is like I imagine Brienne has been going through life most of the fic. As if she’s not truly connected with the world around her, listening and seeing everything as if she has been underwater.
> 
> This was just a random thing that popped in my head. I almost didn’t post it, but in between wring The Contract and other things I ended up finishing this one and... well.
> 
> Take this as j/b’s arc but adapted to a modern setting kind of. Many things are vague on purpose. What I haven’t explained fully, feel free to fill in the blanks skshsk. 
> 
> Oh, and Jaime and Cersei in this one aren’t twins. They are still related, cousins or double cousins, but not brother/sister. Their relationship was still fucked up regardless and a secret to most people. 
> 
> PS: Links at the end for visions of anyone wants to see :)

_ A year after the longest terrorist attack that took the lives of two hundred people, King’s Landing GoldCloaks chief- _

Brienne steps out of the coffee shop, walking down the Street of Steel towards Fishmonger’s Square. She gets to the station three minutes before the Muddy Way line train departs. She’s not lucky to grab a seat, the car too full, so she tries not to sleep on her feet until Guildhall Station. From there it’s a fifteen minutes walk to her place at a little alley to the right of the Street of Sisters, in Flea Bottom. 

Septon Meribald is sitting on his balcony when he sees her walking down the street and she waves at him while she unlocks the gate and heads to the apartment she shared with Pia, on the second floor of the two storey building where they all live.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


-and then he asked me out, to which I said no, because I’m honestly tired. I think it’s better to have some time for myself, don’t you think? 

-uhum.

-Jumping from one relationship to another I think I just need to breathe. 

-Yeah I think so too.

-You’re not sleeping well again.

Brienne startles, looking from the tv to Pia, sitting on the couch beside her. 

-I… I’m sorry. I’ve been working too much, that’s all. 

Pia sighs, rubbing her arm for a moment before standing up to do the dishes.

  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

Brienne doesn’t follow many people on her Instaraven, neither has many followers either. There’s Pia of course. Her last post was a selfie, probably taken just a few minutes ago on her own bed. Brienne leaves a like and comments a heart emoji.

There’s Pod, who’s now sharing all about his board school. It makes her feel warm, to see his smile in every picture. She sends him one of his own posts, a picture with a cute little donkey, and writes  _ Bring him to us when you come back.  _ He replies immediately.  _ I don’t think Septon Meribald would like it. _

She does keep track of her college acquaintances Sansa and Margaery, although her relationship with both consists of likes here and there and the occasional comment. 

And there’s Jaime. 

He’s still following her, so she’s still following him. He has two new pictures on his feed. One with Tyrion, both of them smiling at the camera while driving through some road near Lannisport, Casterly Rock looming behind them. The other one, probably taken on the same day, is the sun disappearing behind the sea. 

Brienne doesn’t like either of them. It wouldn’t make sense now to do it. 

Cersei Lannett has though. And she never does that.

As Brienne has been for the past few weeks now, she clicks on Cersei’s profile. 

She has several new posts, mainly selfies and pictures taken in front of a mirror. Jaime hasn’t liked any of them ever since she took down all of her photos and started posting new ones a few weeks ago.

Brienne closes the app and blocks her phone, turning on her bed and looking out at the night sky through the window.

  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

Hyle is standing by the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette, when she leaves  _ HedgeKnights _ building. 

-Going home already?- he asks through the smoke.

-Yeah. Are you?- he lives in Flea Bottom too. 

-Nope.- Brienne already knew that would be his answer. He hasn’t been the same ever since that day a few months ago, ever since The Stoneheart incident. Ever since he met Jaime.- Gonna meet up with the boys at River Gate. Happy hour.

He doesn’t invite her to join him like he once would. She wouldn’t go anyway if he had.

Brienne nods. 

-See you Monday then. 

He acts as if he’s about to say something, but then his shoulders fall and he nods back, waving her goodbye.

She thinks about stopping by the  _ SteelCoffe _ but it’s too crowded and she heads to Fishmonger’s Square station instead. 

  
  
  
  
  


* * *

Cersei posts another picture on the weekend. Jaime doesn’t like it.

Jaime has a new post too. A poem.

_ Next time we commit love _

_ we ought to  _

_ choose in advance what to kill.  _

  
  
  
  


* * *

Sometimes Brienne catches herself missing Jaime in ways that make no sense because the concept of missing something or someone should mean you had that something or someone in the first place. 

She had her father, until she hadn’t. She had Galladon, until she hadn’t. 

And she never had Jaime. 

Not like that. Or any other way.

Still, with the rain falling outside while she curls herself in her bed, her laptop turned sideways while she watches a random movie she’s not even paying attention to, there’s an ache in her heart, yearning for things she never lived. For a life she had been locked out.

  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

-And how have you been feeling? - Dr. Gilly asks.

-I’ve been having trouble sleeping- Brienne pauses. Thinks about the nightmares. The paralyzing fear.- That’s it really.

-Alright. I’m going to prescribe some pills that will help you. But I would advise you to seek therapy once more. No group meetings like the ones from right after the attack. One on one sessions. It doesn’t seem like you have any physical condition that might be affecting your sleep pattern, so it’s probably psychological to some level, even if you think you’re mostly ok.

-Alright.

Brienne leaves Dr. Gilly’s building and goes straight to the nearest drugstore a few blocks away. 

Later, when she gets home, she stares at the number written on the paper.

_ Dr. Missandei _

_ (Xxx) (xxx-xx) _

She sighs. Puts it back on her wallet. Next week, if she has time, she’ll call it and make an appointment, Brienne thinks while swallowing her pills with the glass of water she brought to bed. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

-I saw Jaime today.- Pia says as soon as Brienne steps inside. She tenses.

_ Has he asked about me? _ It’s her first thought, and she hates the bubble of hope in the pit of her stomach.

-Oh. I.. I didn’t know he was in town. How...how is he?

-He seems fine. As handsome as ever. Gods I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so beautiful in my life. 

Brienne doesn’t think she has either.

-He actually stopped to chat with me, asked me how I was going. I can’t believe you drove him away Bri. I think…- Pia stops, looking at her with soft eyes and Brienne knows she’s about to mention The Bloody Mummers. She tenses, waiting. - I think he wanted to be in your life, to be your friend. Nobody goes through what you two went together and… and doesn’t form some sort of a bond you know?

She can’t tell Pia the truth. That she hadn’t been the one to drive him away. 

That he decided that on his own after The Stoneheart Incident. 

-Our bond was just… trauma I think.-  _ It made him think he wanted something he didn’t truly want.  _

-Hm- Brienne seats on the chair by the kitchen table, knowing that  _ hm _ in Pia’s language means she’s about to argue. But then she sighs, which Brienne also knows means she’s letting the subject go for now. - Anyway, he said Addam Marbrand asked for my number. I told him if Addam really wanted that, he could ask me himself instead of sending his homie right? 

-I thought you were going to give some time until you went out with someone again?

-I am. Addam hasn’t asked me yet. Oh, and Jaime asked me about Melara Hestherpoon. Do you remember her? I think I talked about her a few times. Anyway he said he was thinking about asking her out since he’s in town. Melara is into him since forever so I guess she’s going to be over the moon with that. - Pia rolls her eyes.

Brienne’s stomach sink. 

-Melara…who used to be Cersei’s friend? 

-That one yeah. I don’t know what happened there, but it was ugly. I told him to go for it, if he felt like it. I’m not one to discourage people you know? I mean, I don’t really like Melara but you know, the only person I’m actually honest with about everything it’s you. So I said “she’s not pretty enough for you, but the heart wants what it wants”. Anyways, now I’m waiting for Addam so I hope he doesn’t take too long. Want some French fries before the burgers are ready? 

Brienne shakes her head. Says she’s going to take a shower instead. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


She clicks on Melara’s profile while she lays in her bed later on. Melara is actually very pretty. Not Cersei’s level of pretty, nobody can be Cersei’s level of pretty, but still her own kind. Amber eyes and brown hair and a light dust of freckles on her cheeks.

Brienne scrolls through her pictures. Jaime has liked one - a quote-, skipped another one - a picture of her in a bathtub -, and liked the last one she posted. A picture of a sunset, taken in King’s Landing.

Brienne goes to Jaime’s profile again. His last photo is still the sunset in Lannisport.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Under the morning light in the bathroom, she stares at her own reflection while brushing her teeth. 

Unlike Melara’s light dust of freckles, Brienne’s face has them all over. The only spot they are missing is on the scar on her cheek.

_ Not pretty enough for you. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

It’s another month and she still hasn’t called Dr. Missandei. 

_ I will though _ , she tells herself.  _ Next week. _

Next week comes and goes and she still hasn’t called her.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

Septon Meribald is sitting on his balcony when she walks down the street to their gate. He waves at her and she waves it back. 

And then.

-Come back outside Brienne, when you can.

Brienne refrains from slumping her shoulders. She was looking forward to a shower and tv after such a long day, but she turns around and forces herself to smile.

-Missing Podrick?

-Don’t we all?

Brienne hums in agreement. 

When she’s done with her shower, white shirt and leggings, she steps back outside. Leans against the gate so she can see him. Septon Maribald is sitting in his balcony as if he hasn’t moved at all. Maybe he hasn’t indeed.

-You seem tired Brienne.

-I’ve been working a lot.

-Are you sleeping well?

_ Blood and pain and cold and Jaime, dying and dying in her arms and dying because of her. Because he saved her, because she couldn’t save him.  _

Nightmares.

The pills have lessened their frequency, but they still happen at least twice a week. 

-Yeah. I went to Dr. Gilly. 

-That’s good.

They are silent for a long while.

-When Podrick isn’t here, everything is so quiet isn’t it? - she says. She misses him knocking at her door with a cake or cookies or a movie he wanted her to watch. She always invited him to stay so they could watch together.

-It is. I can’t believe he used to be so quiet when you found him. Now he only stops talking when he’s asleep.

Brienne smiles.

-He has come a long way. 

-Time. It heals everything. 

Brienne nods.

It’s what she hopes for. For time to take it all away.

-Of course, he allowed himself to heal. It’s the hardest part. - Septon Maribald continues - He didn’t allow himself to break. Didn’t just live from day to day, from meal to meal. 

Brienne nods again, her throat suddenly tight. 

-He’s strong like that.

Septon Maribald hums. They are silent for another moment. And then.

-So are you. - he says.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

It’s mid July, on a Saturday morning, when there’s a knock on her and Pia’s apartment and Brienne is the one who opens it.

Outside, there’s a man. Long faced, dark brown hair and dark eyes.

-Are you Brienne Tarth?

She nods.

-Hi, I’m Jon Snow. I used to work with Galladon Tarth at the Nightswatch. We were always roommates when we were sent to the wall. He was your brother, right?

_ Was.  _

Brienne’s heart clenches at that choice of word. For some reason, in her mind, she never thinks of them as  _ were.  _ It’s always  _ is. _

-Y-yes. How can I help you?

-So, um…- Jon Snow pats his jeans pocket and then he’s stretching his hand towards her, and she’s stretching her hand back and he drops a Sim Card on her palm. - I found this among my stuff, thought it was mine but… it turns out it was his. There’s a lot of pictures in there. Thought maybe you would want it.

-Oh - it’s all she can say for a moment, staring at the Sim Card and then at Jon. - I do. Want it I mean. Thank you… for going through the trouble. 

-It’s fine. I’m in the city visiting my father and I remember Gal mentioned you lived here. I thought it wouldn’t hurt to check it out.

Brienne nods, and they are both silent for such a long time that she feels her cheeks burning. She doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do and Jon doesn’t seem like he knows either.

Finally, he breaks the silence.

-He was… he was a great guy. - He says, voice low, and all she can do is nod again. 

After Jon leaves and she goes back to her room, she stares at that Sim Card for what feels like forever, until she grabs her wallet and tucks it into it.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

It’s August when Melara posts a black and white picture of a glass of wine and tags  _ Lions’Gate, _ a restaurant on the outskirts of King’s Landing. There’s a man on the table across from her, out of focus, arms crossed on the table and Brienne can’t see the man’s face, but she can see the black watch he’s wearing on his left wrist.

She knows that hand. And that arm. Knows who that watch belongs to. 

Jaime. 

  
  
  
  
  


* * *

She checks his profile in the next few weeks but there’s no sign of Melara in any of his photos. There are selfies and pictures with Tyrion, with Addam Marbrand, with men she assumes are his cousins or lannisters relatives, and sunsets and night skies and trips to Riverrun and The Reach and Volantis and King’s Landing but nothing about Melara. 

She still likes every one of his pictures though.

So does Cersei.

  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

-I don’t know, I told myself I would wait, I would give myself time, but.. I truly like him. But don’t you think I’m breaking my own promise? There was a reason why I didn’t want to date for a while. 

Brienne drops a little bit of sauce on her palm, licks it. It’s salty enough.

-I think…hm, I think you should go for it. If you like him. He seems like a good guy. He is, isn’t he?

-Yes - Pia says, smiling, and the light in her eyes makes Brienne happy while making her own eyes sting. She turns to the stove.

-I think you already know what to do then.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

Melara shares another post in early September, a dark picture of a radio car, a peak of the city lights at night on the windshield above. 

It’s Jaime’s car. 

Brienne wonders, week after week, if Jaime was the one who took a picture of her walking down the streets of King’s Landing and smiling at the camera or the one where she holds a dumpling in front of her face on a fancy coffee in Old Gate. Has she tagged the Westerlands in her Jet Lag hair post because she went to visit him? Was Jaime the one who took her to the outskirts of Lannisport for a hike and took the picture where we can see Casterly Rock looming behind the waters?

Are all the quotes Melara posts about him? 

_ ‘Don’t count the days _

_ Make the days count’ _

_ ‘You can’t sleep? _

_ me either _

_ Let’s can’t sleep together’ _

_ ‘Tell me your past  _

_ so I can understand you _

_ but give me your now _

_ so I may love you’ _

Brienne tries to decipher his likes patterns on her posts, why he likes some but not all of them, then she tries to ignore it all together and just be happy for him, swallow the bitter tears that threaten to choke her. She has no right of feeling that way. 

She wants him to be happy. He deserves it more than most people she knows. That’s what love is about isn’t it? To be happy for someone regardless of the circumstances. Regardless of your own happiness.

That’s what love is about. 

That’s what she’ll make love be about. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

It’s late September when she wakes up shaking from another nightmare and for a moment she forgets. She grabs her phone, dials Galladon’s number and it only downs on her when the programmed voice on the other side says that the number no longer exists. 

Such a inconsequential thing. His number no longer exists.

Galladon no longer exists. 

Her father no longer exists. 

They haven’t existed for more than two years, almost three, and somehow she forgot.

And it’s the machine voice on the other side of the line that reminds her.

That night she cries as much as she did three years ago.

  
  
  
  


In the morning, she grabs her wallet and pulls out the piece of paper that has been tucked there for months.

Dials the number. Waits.

-Good morning, I’m Daenerys, you’re calling to Dr. Missandei’s office. How can I help you? 

-H-hi - her voice feels scratchy - I… I would like to make an appointment please.

  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

The thing about someone dying is that it’s not just a person who is gone. A whole world disappears when that person stops breathing. All of their dreams and hopes and fears and feelings, the whole uniqueness that makes someone  _ them _ , it’s gone.

But more than that, all the shared experiences are left behind with the other one who stays. And while you still remember it, it’s not the same. The other part is missing. Their point of view is missing.

Brienne knows how she saw, smelled, laughed and loved them. She remembers what it felt like, to listen to their voice, to see them, to touch them. But how did they see her? What did they think of her laugh, what did they feel when they touched her? 

How did they love her? 

She feels the absence of that love like the loss of a limb, and feels completely and utterly alone.

And it might seem selfish, and small in the face of their whole world disappearing and everything else she tried for so long not to think about, but she feels like half of her own world also died with them. 

And now she doesn’t know what to do with all the memories and all the love she feels. Where to put it. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

-I just… I don’t know how to heal. How to… how to be myself again. To go back to who I was.

Dr. Missandei leans forward.

-And who you were before, when they were here… were you happy with that?

Roelle’s voice is still sharp and scolding in her mind, dripping with disappointment. Red Ronnet’s rose is lifeless at her feet. 

The embarrassment and the shame and the feelings of inadequacy swirling in her head whenever her father or Gal weren’t nearby.

-Not really but… but I was used to it. 

-I’m gonna be straightforward with you. You don’t get over someone’s death. You never stop grieving. What you do is to learn how to live with it, how to rebuild yourself around it. It becomes easier. And you will feel like you’re no longer broken inside. You will be whole again. But you won’t be the same you once was. You will become a different version of you, and you can be whatever version you choose. Take whatever path you want. You can choose now Brienne.

Brienne stares at Missandei for a long moment, her words washing over her.

She can be whatever she chooses now. 

Whatever she chooses. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

It’s November when she finally pulls out the Sim Card from inside her wallet.

It takes her a good twenty minutes until she clicks the folder open, and when she does, she’s assaulted with more than a thousand pictures.

Galladon always loved photography, and he took pictures of literally  _ everything.  _ A glass of water on the table. The blankets on his messy bed. The water falling from a sink. And all of them, even the most mundane, looked somehow… beautiful. As if these little things were magic happening whenever the lens of his camera focused on it.

And if the mundane turned into beauty in front of his camera, the extraordinary became… she has no words to describe. Brienne spends a good half an hour staring at several photos he took from The Wall and somehow he managed to capture the sheer magnitude of the place. 

There are so many photographs of other people. Of his colleagues, of friends, of people in the street. Jon Snow features in several of them, and Brienne feels like she almost knows who he truly is, his tastes and sense of humor and what makes him  _ him,  _ just by seeing him through Galladon’s eyes.

When she’s almost at the end of the folder, the photos change from hotel rooms and the frozen North to the beaches and meadows and the sapphire waters of Tarth. There’s a selfie of him in his childhood bed and she knows by the way his hair looks, that those pictures were taken the last time she saw him, the last summer before his death. 

They were supposed to meet up three years ago on their end of the year vacation to Tarth to spend the holidays with their father, but Brienne had to stay in Storm’s End at the time for a little longer, working for Renly’s RainbowGuard. She couldn’t miss the opportunity now that she had gotten the chance to be part of it. 

When she finally went to Tarth, it wasn’t for a reunion with her father and brother. It was to help the rescue and search efforts until the sea finally gave her their bodies back, a week after they went missing. 

Brienne feels the tears burning in her eyes, but she doesn’t close the folder. She scrolls down and she sees everything she loved about her home. Everything that _made_ _it_ _home_ there, reflected in those pictures. 

She comes across several selfies of Gal and their father, and several other photographs where their dad seemed unaware he was being stalked by his own personal paparazzi while he did the most random chores. 

And then there’s her.

Brienne gasps in surprise when she realizes he did the same to her. 

In most of the pictures she’s not facing the camera. There she is, jumping into the sea from a cliff, only her legs and feet visible while the rest of her body is already in the water. Pictures of her on top of her surfing board, staring at the horizon. Walking away with her surfing board in her arms, the sand beneath her feet and the ocean waiting for her. Her hair huffled by the wind and the blue sky beyond her while she stares ahead.

There’s only one photo where she’s staring at the camera. She remembers that day, Galladon begging to take at least one picture of her face, annoying her so much she finally agreed as long as he never posted anywhere. He promised her he wouldn’t. 

She doesn’t remember what he said that made her smile so much, and she wishes she could. 

  
  
  
  


Brienne saves most of the pictures on her phone, and every night she keeps going through them over and over again while laying in her bed. She can’t help staring at her photo for long minutes, and something in her heart unclenches even though she feels like she misses them more than ever.

It’s the way she looks through the camera, the way Galladon saw her, the way she knows her father saw her too. It’s the love she feels, forever imprinted on photographs so she doesn’t forget.

Dr. Missandei’s words keep swirling in her head. She won’t be the same she once was. She can’t go back to that. But she can be whoever she wants, and she wants to be what Galladon and her father already knew she was, the person they already saw in her, even if she couldn’t see that in herself yet.

She opens her Instaraven, her account empty with the exception of her profile picture, where she has her back to the camera and is looking at The Red Keep far away while the sun sets in the capital. Pia was the one who took it while they explored the city a few months after becoming roommates.

Brienne uploads Galladon’s photo of her, not bothering with a caption. She knows she would spend too much time thinking of it if she stopped to write it and she would lose her nerve on posting it. She locks her phone and turns away to sleep as soon as her photo is up, and she knows it’s just a picture, just a post on an account that barely has any followers besides the people she knows, but it still feels like she’s choosing who she wants to be, and she feels lighter somehow.

  
  
  
  


Brienne wakes up to a few notifications on her screen.

Pia leaves several emoji and exclamation points. 

Pod writes that she misses her and that it’s a wonderful picture. Both Sansa and Margaery leave her a like, with the last one also commenting on how she loved the shot.

And then there’s Jaime. 

For some reason his notification shows up twice, at different times. One last night, and another one this morning. As if he has liked her post twice. She opens the app, wonders if it’s a glitch, but his like is there, dated as if he left it this morning, two hours ago. 

Brienne clicks on his profile. There are a few new pictures, selfies and landscapes, Tyrion and some of his friends and cousins. None of Melara. 

His last post was updated the day before, a few hours after her own post. It’s a quote.

_ I’d probably still adore you _

_ with your hands around my neck _

_ or I did last time I checked  _

  
  


For some reason she feels her heart clenching, and even though she promised herself she wouldn’t do that anymore, she clicks on Melara’s profile.

There are new pictures, selfies mostly, and quotes. That’s what drives Brienne’s attention and she clicks on them.

_ What screw us up most  _

_ in life _

_ is the picture _

_ in our head _

_ of how it’s supposed _

_ to be _

  
  
  


_ I think I made _

_ you up inside _

_ my head  _

  
  
  


_ I am merely a sentence _

_ in your life _

_ yet I have filled _

_ libraries with _

_ thoughts of you  _

  
  
  


Brienne sighs, and closes the app before staring at the ceiling. Maybe they fought. Maybe it’s that intense between them. 

Jaime is happy, she tells herself. That’s what matters.

She’s happy he’s happy. Or she will be eventually. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

-So you never explained to him why you did what you did?- Missandei asks.

-He never gave me the chance! After The Quiet Isle, I came back to King’s Landing and he had quit the Kingsguard and was back to Lannisport and.. I never had the chance. - She still remembers the look of betrayal on his face right before everything went down. 

-But you never tried to reach out? Never texted him?

And Missandei’s tone is not accusatory, but Brienne feels her walls building back up. 

-I just… he has the right of it. Of never looking me on my face again. I betrayed him. He was betrayed by so many people in his life and I did the same. He will never forgive me for that. 

-Has he said that? That he won’t ever forgive you?

-No

-So how do you know? 

Brienne is silent, her cheeks burning. She wants to argue it back, that she knows him, that Missandei hasn’t seen the look on his face when he understood what was happening, but her tongue is stuck in her mouth and she can’t find the words.

Missandei leans forward, which by now Brienne knows it’s a sign she’s about to show her how she’s not thinking things through or rationally and that she needs to step back from the situation to have a more clear view of what’s happening.

-I think you’re using him as punishment.

That’s… not what she thought Missandei was going to say. 

-What do you mean?

-You think you’re not worth forgiveness. You think you committed the ultimate unforgivable crime, and you deserve to be punished for it. And your punishment is to never receive Jaime’s forgiveness or understanding. It’s your choice to apologize. Nobody can force you to do that if you don’t want to. But it’s his choice to forgive you or not. And he doesn’t need your apology for that. You said he reached out to you, hasn’t he?

-It was not reaching out… It was just a like on a post. It doesn’t mean anything. - But even as she says it, she feels how weak the argument is.

-You both aren’t on speaking terms. Anything that breaks the status quo is reaching out in my opinion. And let’s remember he kept the communication link open between you both. Like you said, he never unfollowed you. 

Brienne bites on her lip.

-I… I want to apologize. I want to explain. He deserves that much. It’s just… - she swallows heavily. - I think I’m scared. 

Missandei nods, understanding. It feels better to say it out loud. But she’s not ready yet to discuss the rest of the story.

How much she yearns for him. How much she loves him.

It’s something she’ll have to work on, at some point, but it feels too overwhelming right now. 

  
  
  
  
  


* * *

__

The truth is that, even though her feelings would kill her slowly, even though she would bleed everywhere, she would take Jaime’s friendship over a life without his presence. 

She wants at least for him to see that he’s important. Even if he never wants to speak to her again. He deserves that.

The rest… her feelings and everything else, it’s not something she wishes to burden him with, she has to deal with that on her own. If he never wants to rekindle their friendship, she can at least move on with the knowledge that he knows why she has done what she did, and that for him she was willing to sacrifice herself. That she planned it all. To save them all, to save him. That for him she would bite the bullet.

It was just for other people that she couldn’t make that decision for.

If he decides he might forgive her someday… she prays that by that time, she will have already worked out these feelings, that she will have a better grasp on them. And if not, she will carry them within her and take his friendship and his care. 

It’s early December when she opens a blank white page on her laptop and starts writing what is meant to be an e-Raven to Jaime. It takes her three days to write something cohesive enough that touches all the points she wants him to know.

When it’s done, she gives herself a day to breath. 

  
  
  
  
  


* * *

-I’m going out with Addam tonight… and I might not get back home until morning. - Pia says while she looks herself in the mirror for the fifth time. 

-Don’t forget your keys just in case - Brienne reminds her, dropping said key on her purse. - Hm, Pia… 

Pia turns to look at her right away, and although Brienne feels herself blushing from how obvious she must be that Pia already knows she’s about to say something she considers important just by the tone of her voice, she also feels warm somehow. That Pia notices that much about her.

-I just wanted to say that… I’m sorry if I haven’t been.. you know, more present lately. As a roommate and… a friend. I was… I’m better now.

Pia walks straight to Brienne, pulling her down until she has her arms around her neck, and Brienne can hear her sniffing. She pats Pia awkwardly for a moment, before she let go and stares at Brienne with bright eyes shining with tears.

-I was worried about you but I didn’t want to push. You know I love you right? Like, truly. 

Brienne smiles despite the blush she feels in her face and neck. - I l-love you too.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Brienne reads the e-Raven one more time, and then clicks send. 

She then grabs a coat and goes outside, calling for Septon Meribald so they can talk, so she can take her mind away from the wait for an answer that might never come.

  
  
  
  


-I was thinking… - Brienne stares at the sky, the pink and orange melting away to the darkness that approaches - I might quit  _ KL HedgeKnights _ . Maybe… maybe go somewhere else.

-I think that’s a wise decision, if you ever make it. There is _The Trident_ _HedgeKnights_. I’ve only heard great things about you whenever I visit Saltpans or Maiden Pool. Me, Pod and Pia can always come by to visit you. Or you could come to spend Sevenmas and The Long Night with us.

Brienne blushes, but smiles despite herself. She’s about to reply when the sound of a car stopping in front of their building makes her turn around. She can’t see much through the dark windows, but then the door is opened and a man steps outside. Dark jeans, black shirt. Golden curls. 

Jaime.

He walks until he’s standing right in front of her, at the other side of the gate. She can’t speak.

-Can I come inside?

It takes her ten long seconds until she remembers to open the gate for him. 

He passes through her, waves at Septon Meribald. They speak, but Brienne misses whatever pleasantries they exchange, too concentrated in trying to understand what’s happening. Why Jaime is here. At her home. Jaime. 

-Brienne?

Jaime, who’s talking to her right now, looking at her. Were his eyes always so green? 

-Hm. Y-yes? 

-Can we?

-I… - Can they what? Did he ask her something? - Sorry, I d-don’t-

-Can we go inside? To talk.

Jaime. Jaime wants to talk to her. She looks up at Septon Meribal’s balcony, but he’s no longer there. 

She nods, walking in front of him to the stairs. 

  
  


When she opens the door and steps inside, Jaime follows right behind her. When she turns around to look at him, he’s standing there, phone in his hand. He turns the screen to her.

-Is this true?

The e-Raven. But she sent that not even fifteen minutes ago. 

-I.. I didn’t know you were here. In King’s Landing.

-I wasn’t.

-But then-

-I mean, I was, but I landed an hour ago. I was on my way here when I received this.

-On your way here?

-Yes.

Brienne thinks her brain is working slower than normal. She shakes her head, blinks, and stares at Jaime again.

-I’m not understanding.

He sighs.

-I had a plan. To come here and demand an apology so I could salvage at least some of my pride when I told you you’re forgiven. But then you send me this, and… I’m mad Brienne. I’m so fucking mad. - He puts his phone back in his pocket, breathes deeply. Pinches the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger. Then exhales. Finally looks at her - Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you ask for help? Why didn’t you trust me? You said all those things, about my honor, my worth, but have you ever even believed those things?! 

-Of course I have! I still do! - She says, but he shakes his head, and keeps talking as if she hasn’t said anything.

-You think I would leave you to deal with all that mess when I was the one who sent you on the quest? You think I wouldn’t follow you unless you lied to me?! Because I knew you were lying all along. You can’t lie for shit, you’re the worst liar in the whole Westeros probably even in Essos. I knew it and I followed you anyway. I would have followed you no matter what. 

She swallows, feeling the tears coming, and tries to prevent them from falling by blinking faster. 

-Why did you let me believe for all these months that you didn’t give a shit? - And his voice is laced with so much hurt that… 

Brienne drops her eyes to the ground. She doesn’t know what to say to that. A thousand words come to mind, but they vanish before they even touch her tongue. 

-You have never been to Lannisport

She looks back up at him again, confused by the sudden change in subjects. 

-I… What? I don’t-

-You have never been to Lannisport. Or Casterly Rock. Or Volantis. Or The Reach. You have never been to any of the places I’ve been to for the past few months. And still, I kept imagining you there. I’ve kept seeing you in my car, or in front of me at the airport waiting for our flight, or seating beside me on the plane. I’ve kept imagining you at the grocery store, and having dinner at my favorite restaurant, and I’ve kept thinking: what would Brienne say about it all? What would Brienne say about the new jacket I bought? Would Brienne think it “becomes me”? And I understood that you  _ have been _ in all those places because  _ I have been _ in all those places, because I carry you inside me wherever I go. So I need to know. I  _ need _ to know Brienne, if these past few months have been hell for you as they have been for me. If you missed me, if you want me like I want you because if not then I-

She doesn’t know what to say, so she acts instead. Takes his face between her large hands and kisses him, or tries to. She misses the mark by an inch or two, her mouth touching the corner of his, but Jaime is fast in correcting their course, and in her next breath he has her lips between his, and he backs her against the door, and she opens her mouth beneath his when he demands entrance, his tongue tasting her own. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


She doesn’t know how they move from the living room to her bedroom, but he has her naked in her own bed, head buried between her thighs, and it’s Jaime,  _ Jaime,  _ here with her, and she doesn’t even think about the sounds she’s making, not with the way he seems like he could spend the rest of his life looking up at her with his mouth on her cunt. 

When she comes against his mouth, he slows down for just a moment, just enough for her to catch her breath, and then he starts it all over again, until she’s nothing but a mess of sweat and pleasure. 

He makes a wet path with his tongue while surging up her body. Wraps his lips around a sensitive nipple, suking on her breast until she whrites against him, seeking for friction. The soft flash already marked by those same lips early on. He let it go with a wet noise when she tugs on his hair until he has his mouth on hers again. 

Brienne tries to reach for his cock while she kisses him, her blush and embarrassment momentarily forgotten in the face of how much she wants him. He groans against her mouth when her fingers wrap around him.

-Tart… - he breaks the kiss and that nickname shouldn’t make her shudder like it does, but she can’t help it.

-I.. I want you

-I don’t have a condom 

-I’m clean… I… - she trails off, not wanting to talk about how she has never done this before. He knows that. He knows too much about her.

-I am too. - He stares at her, his eyes burning her skin - I’m doing monthly check ups ever since the attack and… since Cersei last year there’s never been… There’s no one else I want but you.

Brienne feels her cheeks blushing even more, and she thinks he might not notice with the way she’s sweaty and red all over, but he follows the path of the warmth she feels spreading over her skin with his eyes and he leans down to kiss her again, hot, wet, messy. By the time he breaks the kiss, leaning his forehead against her own, she thinks she might die if she can’t have him.

-I’ll take a moontea pill tomorrow. I… Jaime… - and Brienne thinks she might beg, she’s truly considering it, but she doesn’t have to. Because he grabs one of her legs in his forearm, spreading her open for him, his other hand wrapping around his cock where her own fingers still are, and together they guide him inside her.

She doesn’t feel any pain. She just feels full. She feels Jaime everywhere. 

-Brienne… fuck… 

And he tries to stay still, to give her time to adjust, but she wants him to move, she wants to… Brienne shifts her hips, wrapping her legs around him, trying for friction, and Jaime shudders before he’s thrusting against her, hand tangling in her hair, his mouth slanting across her. 

\- You… you feel so good… fuck… Brienne… love.. - Jaime can’t stop talking and kissing her and all she can do is swallow his words, greedy for them, greedy for  _ him,  _ and then she’s coming again, clenching around him, moaning against his lips, and he can’t hold on any longer. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


-Tell me what makes you look as if you’re solving the mystery of the destruction of Valyria in your head right now 

They are still sweaty and Brienne knows she needs to get up and use the bathroom, but Jaime is wrapped around her, keeping her chest pressed to his.

-It’s just… - and she really doesn’t want to bring this up, but the thought crossed her mind a few seconds ago and she can’t hide anything from him, not when they are like this, so close. - Hm… I thought you were… hm… Melara?

Jaime seems confused for all of three second and then he grimaces, dropping his forehead against her shoulder. 

-Fuck- he lifts his head up again - So Pia told you about that. I thought she hasn’t since you never said anything.

Brienne furrows her brows at that.

-You… you wanted her to tell me? Why?

-Not my proudest moment. I was trying to get a reaction from you. I don’t know why I thought that would work. Too many years learning unhealthy traits. - He pulls her even closer, kissing her softly on the lips and cheek. The scarred one. - I’m sorry. That was stupid. 

-So you dated her to… to provoke me? 

-I didn’t date  _ date _ her. I told Pia I wanted to ask her out in hopes she would tell you and you would… I don’t know, reach out to me? Come knocking on my door? I don’t know what I was expecting. But then nothing happened for weeks and I was depressed and fucking sad and then Tyrion convinced me to give it a try. So we texted a few times, I went out with her once? No, twice I think. To dinner. But that was it. 

Brienne doesn’t know why she’s so shocked. All those months of wondering and thinking about him with someone else… and for nothing. All this time, she could have had him. 

-Are you mad? - he asks.

-No - and she leans into him, kissing him softly too. - It’s just… I’m sorry. - She takes his face between her hands again. Touching him like this is so new. She doesn’t think she’ll ever get used to it. - For wasting so much time. I wish… I wish I could make it up to us somehow. To you.

Jaime smiles, his green eyes shining.

-Don’t ever leave me and I’ll consider the debt paid, Tart. 

He doesn’t give her time to answer that, kissing her again and ending their conversation. 

It’s much, much later, when Jaime is already sound asleep behind her, arms wrapped tightly around her waist and face buried in her neck, that Brienne stops to think about what his words really meant.

**Author's Note:**

> About Melara, she was also playing her own insta games with Cersei ( In my mind she knew about them), and overall trying to make her and Jaime seem more than it was because of that and because of her own feelings. But she’s not a bad person so I sort of felt bad for her while writing because I know how it feels like to have unrequited feelings for someone kshsksh 
> 
> About Cersei, j/c in this fic were over after this universe version of the Sept sex scene that happened in the books, right after whatever happened to Jaime and Brienne at the Terrorist attack. Cersei tried to rekindle their relationship a few times but Jaime has always refused. 
> 
> Melara’s posts that were mentioned on this fic:
> 
> https://64.media.tumblr.com/f5d398398cf5b261621d0ad0c6d9170c/67c4e58a7c142702-f8/s640x960/49ffb794b40ab21a3dcd8e16ef4bb748132c8deb.jpg
> 
> https://64.media.tumblr.com/85fed6a78c648987975382ea7fef86b7/67c4e58a7c142702-be/s1280x1920/cfb8c1dd70a2f2c279f773568d83cebe97e7417b.jpg
> 
> https://64.media.tumblr.com/2860547ee985aed80405a92f417f8e0a/67c4e58a7c142702-09/s1280x1920/430f685efbcd41ad13e5515fb96b093a0d0c6865.jpg
> 
> https://64.media.tumblr.com/fb7800aef0636cad95b1fd636e3d0287/67c4e58a7c142702-11/s640x960/5789f66828111c2c8a43d6ee5c0a09fbe1624a51.jpg
> 
> https://64.media.tumblr.com/0837771ab44fd636a1ac89cc689f0e35/4d4472f6a043a67c-0e/s1280x1920/7714d57d26d045fdc4d51bb30625c6d8c0e8c9f1.jpg
> 
> https://64.media.tumblr.com/a3d41c88e89a4c22a2d252306984b709/4d4472f6a043a67c-93/s1280x1920/ae43243b1375fa4c51fb989bd740b341c99d8bfd.jpg
> 
> https://64.media.tumblr.com/1a5c05b91a4d8dfc564935ec27f22702/4d4472f6a043a67c-9e/s640x960/48eefbae31b2cd4f32a70e2cff967fbd8c624cf1.jpg
> 
> https://64.media.tumblr.com/a2c4a5a92587637c3ac5289e392ead1c/4d4472f6a043a67c-8e/s640x960/390d58e9b4266e41477a525e8dc67b8880347056.jpg
> 
> https://64.media.tumblr.com/61dc9b87cde4c024992478e04fc5218b/4d4472f6a043a67c-0b/s640x960/9e69b160ed66bce2262efd87d35a7f366016c573.jpg
> 
> https://64.media.tumblr.com/172fe1f22d89beb313bc3bc284b0e5b9/cea3459d794f6f84-b5/s500x750/2ae74319ea0575f6ae6919c59affd58b2a6a4b46.jpg
> 
> Brienne’s profile and post:
> 
> https://64.media.tumblr.com/00efeea586f167aa0d8264a2f63827c9/b138aed05fc182d8-3a/s2048x3072/3bcd0ee5ca0e208c94166553514ab32529e2fd32.jpg
> 
> https://64.media.tumblr.com/d5a541fa08d65ccdeba5e500b3d728fe/b138aed05fc182d8-e7/s1280x1920/497850e6b32d691c242737bba5c8b9bdab419efe.jpg
> 
> Map of KL and where Brienne lives in this fic (the blue dot is the subway station, red path is from her workplace to her house. Not on the map, but that area is already flea bottom, although not the worse part of there):
> 
> https://64.media.tumblr.com/4686f9d9beefd4897aa65a595baa26fa/9bff1154b179e1fb-1a/s1280x1920/74df831a18194642deb513c2ea07e5e70367af3b.jpg


End file.
